The Perfectionist Trap – Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

If there were Olympic medals for overthinking, tweaking, and rewriting an email twenty times, I’d have a shelf full of gold ones. My perfectionism didn’t start in the workplace—it began at the kitchen table, beside a stack of decent report cards and the glowing legend of a family friend who could apparently outscore Einstein. The intention was motivation. The impact? A lifelong whisper: You could do better.

Perfectionism, it turns out, isn’t about having high standards—it’s about trying to frost a cake with a toothpick. Painstaking, exhausting, and rarely satisfying. It masquerades as ambition, but underneath, it’s usually just fear—fear of failing, of being judged, or of being seen as not quite enough. For leaders, perfectionism can quietly sabotage performance, innovation, and connection. But the good news? It can be reframed—without lowering your standards or losing your edge.

Perfectionism tricks us into thinking in absolutes. It’s either perfect or it’s a failure. Win or lose. Succeed or flop. Perfectionism is something that I see quite often in my coaching clients, especially among leaders. Smart, capable, high-achieving people who still feel like they’re not quite measuring up. It’s sneaky like that. It shows up as endless revising, delayed decisions, being hard on themselves and others, or a quiet sense of “not enough.” And I know it firsthand.

When we chase perfection, we miss out on so much: the learning, the creativity, the unexpected discoveries. Course corrections aren’t proof we failed. They’re invitations to adapt, to grow, to create something even better.

I used to overthink everything until I slid right into procrastination. The anxiety would start to bubble up — ‘It’s not good enough yet… maybe it never will be.’ Sometimes I wouldn’t deliver on time. Other times, I’d submit something I didn’t even like anymore because I’d picked it apart so much. And sometimes, I’d become so paralyzed that I wouldn’t deliver at all — I’d avoid sending the paper, or skip the meeting or conversation altogether.

Looking back, I can see: what does that accomplish? How does that honor my desire to help, to contribute, to be of service? It doesn’t. It only keeps me stuck and silent when what I really want is to show up.

Perfect, it turns out, is an illusion. It’s subjective — what looks ‘perfect’ to one person will look completely different to someone else. Even my own definition of ‘perfect’ changes depending on the day, the project, or even my mood!

What It Costs

Perfectionism is like that overachieving dinner guest who insists on cleaning the kitchen before dessert. It might seem helpful at first—but it quickly becomes uncomfortable and sucks the joy out of the evening. It can manifest in lots of ways:

• When only flawless is acceptable, starting becomes terrifying.
• Repressed creativity or desire to innovate.
• Slower or stalled decision-making. Forgetting that no decisions are decisions!
• Lower productivity and missed timelines.
• Joylessness—even after success.
• Relationship strain from overly high expectations.
• Chronic anxiety and stress. There’s always something to fix, redo, or improve.
• Burnout.

Ironically, the drive to be perfect often holds us back from being truly great.

The First Steps Toward Recovery (Yes, Recovery)

My father was a chef—the old-school, demanding, shouty kind who could make Gordon Ramsay seem like a purring kitten. As a kid trying to learn to cook, I often felt like every scrambled egg was a performance review. That pressure stuck with me for a long time. I internalized the belief that if it wasn’t exceptional, it wasn’t worth serving—or trying.

The good news is, that’s changed. These days, I experiment freely in the kitchen, even on unsuspecting guests. If it’s delicious—fantastic! If it flops, we laugh, order pizza, and everyone leaves full and happy. And honestly? That freedom tastes even better than perfection ever did. Here are some other tidbits to consider:

1. Get real about your goals. Break large, overwhelming expectations into smaller, quickly achievable milestones. Celebrate them!
2. Ditch the comparison trap. Your value isn’t measured against someone else’s path.
3. Rethink mistakes or setbacks. They aren’t irreversible failures—they’re information. Try saying “Oh well” out loud when something flops.
4. Speak to yourself like someone you love. You’d never talk to a friend the way you sometimes speak to yourself.
5. Focus on integrity and learning. Ask: Did I show up? Did I grow? Did I act in line with my values?
6. Remember: It’s a process. You’re not trading ambition for apathy. You’re just setting down the weight of impossible standards. Enjoy the journey and adventure!

 Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean you stop caring or aiming high. It just means you stop bleeding for every typo, missed opportunity, or slightly awkward Teams presentation.

When you drop the need to be flawless, something beautiful happens: you make space for curiosity, creativity, and connection. You take risks. You try things. You let yourself be seen.

Final Thoughts

If you recognize yourself in any of this, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. Perfectionism might have been a survival strategy once, but it doesn’t have to run the show anymore.

I invite you to experiment a little; try something small: Pick one area of your life, work, home, or a hobby, and aim for “good enough.” Notice what happens when you let go, even just a little. What opens up for you?

Progress, connection, learning, joy—they’re waiting for you in the messy, beautiful space where “good enough” lives.

Perfectionism can sometimes feel like a badge of honor, but it’s often a weight we carry unnecessarily. You don’t have to earn your worth. You already have it.

So, if you’re someone who feels like you’re only as good as your latest success or your spotless to-do list, here’s your permission slip to let that go.

Progress beats perfection. Joy beats judgment. And done is—more often than not—delightfully good enough!

P.S. Want to Explore This More? 

If any of this sounds familiar—and you’re tired of letting perfectionism run the show—you’re not alone. I work with leaders and professionals who are ready to trade self-doubt for clarity, connection, and meaningful progress.

Interested in exploring how coaching could help? Contact me here → pat@kccpositivepsychology.com or book a no-pressure conversation

 

Pat Rothenberger

Certified Coach – Trainer – KCC Partner

May 2025